When 3 becomes 4

I've been quiet on social media and my blog. In truth, I retreated. Perhaps unintentionally, or perhaps intentionally - I still can't decide. I needed some quiet. I needed some peace. I needed some 'me time'. I needed to figure out what to actually say - because there's SO much.

If you follow me on social media you'll see that we made a very special announcement this week - I'm pregnant with our next little bundle.

Firstly - let me make this clear - we are over the moon! Knowing what to expect has made it that much more exciting (um - overwhelming?). We've done this before - right? We know what's coming - right? Or are we deluding ourselves? Time will tell.

So why all the confusion? Well, being pregnant the second time round while running after another little human is a whole different ball game. Let's be honest right now - I don't really do pregnancy that well, but I hoped that the second time round would be different. Cue the all-day continuous nausea and fatigue. And then there's the crazy pregnancy hormones which make you a hermit (sorry for the abundance of missed calls and lack of replying to messages). Honestly, for the last few months all I've wanted to do is curl into a ball, sink into our soft fluffy bed and sleep, or sleep in a bubble-bath or you know just sleep.

Coupled with running after a toddler, and the two ideas are in direct conflict.... And there it is. The great conundrum. I want to be a great mom and play and engage with my toddler, but my early pregnancy self wants to curl up in a ball, shut out the world and sleep.

I am immensely lucky to have a great support system - meaning that my tyke is always well cared for, but then I feel the mom-guilt of not being the one to cuddle him, and play with him. Especially when his time as an only child is running out.

I'm caught between loving the idea of our expanding family, and wanting to make the most of my little boy's 'only-child' status. I'm never going to get this time back, where it's just me and him. And although there's definitely chaos - it's a chaos I know. It's the chaos of a little boy exploring the world. It's the chaos of knowing exactly what his different cries mean. The chaos of the him trying to be understood and asserting himself. It's a chaos that I'm comfortable with. And the thought of relearning this kind of chaos with another little human is, well, daunting.

I'm also concerned that there just won't be enough of me to go around. I look at my tot, with his outstretched arms to be picked up, and I wonder if there will be times where I won't be able to scoop him up and cuddle him, and that thought right there makes me sad. Because while he's growing up, I'm definitely not ready for the end of this chapter. It's funny how one can be so excited for the next chapter, whilst still not really wanting the current one to end.

And so, I'm feeling all the feels. I'm overwhelmed, excited, nervous, scared, and really just trying to appreciate every day for itself. And even with all those feelings, when you look at it, this life is pretty damn amazing.