Finding the I in Mothering




I haven't written in a while, and the truth is I haven't been sure what to write. How to exactly formulate my thoughts and opinions.

In truth I've embraced motherhood with both hands. I miss my little boy when I'm not with him and simply adore spending time with him. Creating games and exercises to stimulate him. Enrolling him in all sorts of activities that I get to participate in. Setting up play-dates that are ultimately coffee dates for me. He has become my focus. The centre of my world. And he should. He's still so new. He still needs me so much. And, in a blink he's not going to want my cuddles anymore. I'm not always going to be the one he needs or wants. As he grows up he's going to realize that I'm fallible and make mistakes, and then will he still look at me the same way? That scares me.

Right now when I walk into a room his whole face lights up. I'm his world. I'm the one who makes everything better. Bad dream? Mama's got this. Hit your head? Let me kiss it better. Trying to walk? Let me hold your hand.

But in many ways in taking a pause to enjoy my son and just be there, I've changed. My goals from before he was born to now are completely different. In fact, I would go as far as saying that if the person pre-baby and the person post-baby had to meet they probably wouldn't be friends. And let's take a moment to discuss goals - if I'm being honest, I'm not sure what those are anymore. I have a loose understanding of: create, make money; build a business; forge a career - but in what? and how? Everything that used to excite me doesn't anymore, because when I think of all the time it requires away from my son I shy away. So this has left me wanting. Gone are the hard-core business plans and long hours, and in its place I'm not sure what's left. I'm not sure what I want. I'm not sure how to define goals that will somehow fit into this new life(style) that I've carved out for myself. Do I want to create something great? Yes. Do I want my son to grow up with a strong female figure as a mother? Obviously. Do I want to spend lots of time away from him? Not at all. And there's the catch.

I'm trying to find the I in Mothering. I'm trying to take a moment to figure out my next career move whilst still being there for my son and not missing anything. I'm trying to create something that will allow me the freedom to flex my creativity, but will still allow me to be a present, hands-on parent.

And I suppose this is the struggle. The struggle of working mothers. The struggle of stay-at-home mothers. The struggle of motherhood. The difficulty in trying not to completely lose yourself and your identity to motherhood. To embrace it, but not let it swallow you. To engage and be present, but still have something of your own going on.

And so, each day I think I'm getting closer to a solution. #WatchThisSpace




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